


ALNM: The Meaning of Being Alone

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Series: A Little Night Magic [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: Neville shouldn't be taking this so hard. But he is.





	1. Neville

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to a friend of mine who spent a week or so in confusion because her brother's best friend died unexpectedly. Mourning is something many of us fight with because our expectations don't match how we feel. 
> 
> Again the POV is labelled in the chapter heading.

It seemed prophetic that I should find out about it when I couldn't find my wand. Especially since everyone compared my wand to his, as if we were the same person.

I had searched Rem's quarters for it to no avail. So, after asking him to go to breakfast without me, I slipped into the passageway between our two sets of rooms and emerged at the foot of the bed in the quarters that I had been given when I became the main professor of Herbology.

Spotting my wand on the desk by the wall, I sighed with relief. I would have to watch my distraction around my mate. It was too easy to lose track of everything once his arms were around me.

Because the night before had started with us grading papers in this room. But once Rem had finished with his, he had come over to the desk to encourage me to finish quickly. We had then ended up dragging each other through the passageway towards his bed so that we didn't scatter the students' assignments all over the floor of my bedroom. Six months had not been enough to end the child-like glee we had in being with each other. I secretly hoped that the glee lasted until *I* reached 70, at the very least.

Remembering my wonderful night, I smiled as I gathered up my wand and my papers. But then I saw something move outside the window out of the corner of my eye. So I looked towards it curiously. There sat a very official looking owl, with a very official looking note tied to its leg.

So I opened the window and removed the note from the owl's leg. Unsurprisingly, it flew off before I could offer it a treat. Official-use owls tend to prefer to be fed by their place of business.

Shrugging, I opened the envelope. A slip of paper fell out of it and onto the desk. A moment later, I stumbled into the desk chair. My legs gave out as I read the note.

"Oh, Dad." I murmured softly, unable to do anything but stare at the note declaring his death. It was such a clinical looking parchment, with no feelings at all conveyed by the person who wrote it. But seeing it left me far from emotionless.

My feelings rushed at me. Pain, for his suffering, and for me being unable to take it away. Sorrow, for no longer having anything of my father to hold onto. And somehow that caused me another deep-seated pain. 

The pain overwhelmed me, blocking out everything else. I tried to struggle with it, to push it aside. I shouldn't be hurting this much. I barely knew my father because of the sacrifice he made after my birth. And Gran's death and Mum's didn't feel this...overwhelming. But this time the feeling weighed me down in my chair. I knew I should get up and go to breakfast before my first class. But I couldn't even stop staring at the piece of parchment.

Until it started to blur as my eyes filled with tears. 

Angry at my reaction, I tried to wipe them away. I had to get myself together. I had classes to teach. I had plants to take care of. But thinking that didn't stop the tears from streaming.

Minutes later, I was sobbing into the wood of my desk. I was shaking from my pain without really understanding why I hurt so much.

That is where Teddy found me a little while later.

"Papa?" I heard behind me, before Teddy touched my shoulder. But I couldn't turn to him. I was frozen in my grief. So I just let out a sigh.

Luckily, my stepson was very much like his father. He was a worrier about many things, but he was not afraid to look for answers.

I saw his hand reach to smooth the parchment in my hand. Then "I'm going to help, Papa. Don't worry, I'll find the headmistress and make sure Dad comes back here after his class. Do you want me to get you breakfast?"

I shook my head, but part of me knew very soon there would be a bowl and a cup of tea on this desk. Teddy was so used to helping me take care of his father that he automatically did the same for me.

And perhaps today I needed him to. So I accepted his fussing and his hugs. It was good to feel his energy around me. It didn't lessen my pain, but it made it a little easier to bear.

As he left to get Minerva McGonagall, I leaned back in my chair and reflected on how much the young man had learned from both me and Rem. He knew how to take charge of a situation. He knew that being adult didn't always mean being wise. And he knew one of the basic rules of teaching: disturb as few students as possible unless an emergency happened.

I couldn't possibly teach at the moment, and Minerva needed to know that. But it wouldn't hurt anything if Rem found out about it in an hour.

So fifteen minutes later, Minerva McGonagall was sitting next to me, patting my hand, while I swallowed a few bites of food under my stepson's watchful eyes.

"I'll floo Ponoma right away," the headmistress was saying, promising me that I could take all the time I needed to grieve. 

But all the time I was wondering why I needed to mourn this man that I really never knew. All my life, I had loved a memory that wasn't even my own. I still had the memory. All that had left me was the shell that had produced it.

So why did I feel like my heart had just been ripped out because he was no longer with me?


	2. Edward (Teddy)

Dad had always been the emotional one in my life. He had cried while telling me about Mom. He had looked haunted as he told me about Papa Sirius and Harry's Dad. He had cheered loudly at my Quidditch games and puffed out his chest when he saw my OWL results. So I had learned to help soothe him or smile with him as I grew up.

Papa Nev had always been the calm one. He had worked so hard to hide his love from Dad as I grew up that he probably hid all his other feelings too. So finding him crying when I came to his rooms to get my Arithmancy book was a shock. For a moment, I didn't know what to do.

But then I looked over his shoulder and read the parchment he was holding. When I saw his father's death announcement, everything became clearer. Even the guilty look he gave me. He should have been on his way to his first class, after all.

But I heard him whisper to his desk that he was alone now. And somehow that bothered me. Not just because when he said it, he seemed to be ignoring me. But also because with his parents gone, he was alone in a way that Dad and I couldn't take away. Maybe that's why I shivered when I saw the look on his face.

I only wanted to help. Nev turned to me when I offered to get him breakfast. His tears, I expected. But the look on Papa's face...it was like he was ashamed of being upset. That disturbed me because it made no sense, until I went to talk to Dad.

After Dad's class was over, I pulled him into his office. "Grandpa Frank died last night," I said softly after Dad sat at his desk. "I found Papa crying about it. But he didn't look right. And he said he was alone."

Dad sighed. He understood Nev's statement in a way that I didn't. "Neville is the last Longbottom, Blue. He has lost his biological family. And he has no children. To pureblood families, that means magic stops there. He can't spread his magic to anyone else."

I shook my head at that foolish statement. "But he teaches at a magical school! And he has me. I try to learn whatever he shows me. He showed me how to water those violets the other day."

Dad chuckled. "Keep your fingers away from their flowers." Then he turned more serious. "Why didn't he look right?"

"He looked guilty. Like he wasn't supposed to be crying."

Dad groaned softly. "He was taught to hide a lot of it. Being happy was fine. Being upset...pureblood families are supposed to be good examples to the rest of us, so they're not supposed to show it. Then there's the circumstances. In essence, I knew his father better than he ever did. Because I knew what he ate for breakfast when he had a choice. And I'm sure Neville's heard the people who've whispered that his parents have been dead since he was a year old."

That last part made me want to growl like Moony did when Neville was hurt by that rogue wolf. Papa had done his best to take care of his parents when his grandmother died. When I had gone with him to see his Dad over the summer, it wasn't hard to see that Frank thought Neville was important. He was very alive and responded to things that Nev said. Just not in the way I'd get from my Dad. Because he couldn't. But somewhere in that mind, he had loved Neville. 

And Nev had loved him. So today, I'd watch over Nev for Grandpa Frank. But since Nev didn't show that he was upset much, I didn't know where to start. "So what do we do?"

Dad shrugged. "The best we can do is stay nearby and be there if he needs us."

"But Dad, he won't ask." I shook my head.

Dad sighed again. He knew I was right. "Let's go check on him. I'll figure something out."

"I could show him Mom's book." Dad and Grandma Andromeda had made me a book of pictures, articles and other things about Mom so I'd know about her. It had been the storybook Dad had read from on many nights when I was little. The snippets in it had made me feel like Mom was with me.

Dad froze in the middle of standing up. "I should have thought of that when Alice died."

"What?"

My father wrung his hands with his own guilty look on his face. "I--we knew Frank and Alice better than he could. I-I need to talk to your grandmother. We can make him a book."

I rested my hand on Dad's shoulder. Nev didn't talk much about his parents. So Dad wouldn't have had an occasion to think of the book until now. Even when Grandma Alice died, Nev didn't say much. He just spent more time at the hospital to make sure Grandpa Frank adjusted to the loss.

But now he was struggling, so it was time to take care of him. "And should I stay in my room so he can hold Moony tonight?"

Dad blushed a little as he nodded. "Though you should come by for the change. I don't want Neville mad at himself if something goes wrong when he can't pay attention well."

I assured him that I'd be there, then asked Dad some questions about who had known Nev's parents as we went to find him. I could ask the rest of the castle about Grandpa Frank while Dad watched over Nev tonight.

====

Nev was still in his bedroom when we got back. It looked like he hadn't moved an inch from when I left him with the headmistress.

I stayed back as Dad crouched down to whisper to his mate. I knew he was asking Nev if he should cancel his own classes this morning. He already had substitutes for the afternoon ones because of the moon.

Papa shook his head, but because of the way Dad's eyes flashed amber, I knew his mind was made up. He would stay here to make sure Papa didn't feel so alone.

So after kissing Papa's hair gently, Dad pulled me aside. I, of course, was supposed to go to all my classes. 

"I also need you to tell Francis Grady that I won't make the rest of my classes. He's in charge of getting someone to fill in for me. Since you have a break at two, bring my Wolfsbane and joint potions back here. And ask Francis for a sleep potion, just in case Neville needs it."

"Of course, Dad." I would make sure those were taken care of. Then I'd start asking the teachers for help with the book Dad wanted to make.

When I went back to their rooms at two, I came back with three bottles. And with promises from Hagrid, Trelawny and Flitwick to write down anything and everything they remembered about Grandpa Frank and Grandma Alice.

I pulled Dad aside to tell him this as he took his potions. Then I sat on the chair next to Nev's bed and talked about little things for an hour while Dad held him. It helped Papa look less haunted.

When I headed back to class, I got something even I didn't expect. Headmistress McGonagall pulled me aside and handed me a picture. It was of Frank, Alice, and baby Neville. She said she had found it in her office. She didn't know where it came from, but she guessed that it had belonged to Professor Dumbledore.

The picture would have been special enough even if it had been a still muggle picture. But as I watched it play, I realized that this was exactly what Papa needed to see. Because Dad was also in the picture. And in it was the answer to a question that both Dad and Nev had been afraid to ask.


	3. Remus

Although I could see it bothered him that it was necessary, I spent the day catering to every need of my mate. I made sure he ate, I made sure he rested. I talked of inconsequential things, so he remembered that he wasn't alone. 

To make sure he didn't protest too much, I made sure he could see I was taking care of myself too. For, no matter what happened, we could not stop the full moon from coming.

But even that was going to be used for Neville's benefit. For Moony wasn't a fierce predator to him. He was more akin to a child's stuffed toy as far as my mate was concerned. So I would use his tendency to clutch at the wolf as a way to comfort him as well.

Nevile seemed calm as I put my clothes in the trunk at the end of his bed and sat on my blanket as I had the first moon I had joined him here. He even smiled a little when Teddy came in to sit on the bed with him. It was odd to have anyone see the coming transformation as good. But I just smiled back at my mate. Because I knew he was truly pleased to see either side of me.

I was a little startled when Teddy whispered in my ear that he had something to show me after my morning nap, as he rarely hid anything from Neville. But considering Neville's emotional outbursts earlier, I guessed that my son was being cautious in order to not upset his stepfather any further.

I nodded my assent then backed away as I felt the transformation start. For once, it was almost a relief to be the wolf because Neville almost instantly relaxed on seeing Moony. Today, Moony was less stressful to him. Most likely because the wolf didn't demand anything from him. And right now he was having trouble dealing with simple demands, even our request that he rest.

But he came down to rest on the blanket as soon as I nudged his knee with my snout. His arm immediately curled around my back tightly. A little too tightly. But I didn't protest. I remembered clutching Teddy to me until he squawked while dealing with Dora's death. It was too easy to imagine losing everyone you loved after one of them died. So you held on tightly, just in case your imaginings came true.

I nuzzled my mate until he fell asleep, to remind him that I was alive and well. But I didn't sleep. I just watched over him. Because, like during the night we feared for his life, I needed to be aware in case he needed something. If I couldn't provide it, I could touch the charmed box Teddy left me to contact him.

But all Neville needed was comfort as the nightmares came. That I could provide in either form. And since he was asleep more than he was awake that night, I considered it time well spent.

====

Neville was functioning well enough to help me into bed the next morning. But he looked lost as he stood above me, so I coaxed him in the bed next to me with a book about plants I had been saving for Christmas. (Giving him the gift then seemed for the best. He needed distractions. I'd just have to consult with Ponoma to find him something else for the holidays.)

When I woke just in time for Teddy's break between classes, I found my mate asleep with the book in his lap. So I kissed his forehead gently and left the charmed signal box on the nightstand next to him before I went to find Teddy.

When I reached Gryffindor Tower, I found all of my son's roommates in the common room. Elias Treple, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain for the past two year, pointed me to their dormroom. "Ted has something private to tell you, so we'll wait out here until you're finished, Professor."

I nodded my thanks, then entered the room. Teddy was sitting on his bed, holding a picture. He looked up at my approach and waved me over. "Come look at this, Dad."

I sat on the bed next to him and found that he was looking at a picture of the Longbottoms when Neville was an infant. 

"Oh, Neville will love this," I started to say, then stopped as I watched my younger self move into the picture.

It was then that I realized that this was one of the photos from the last Halloween party the Marauders held at Godric's Hollow. That year, we had celebrated with our friends to defy the evil that was growing around us. By the next year, even we were feeling too oppressed to celebrate. Two of my best friends died mostly alone because of that.

But before I got lost in the memory of that awful night, I turned my musings to what I remembered of the previous year. Staring at the photo, I watched curiously as Alice handed Neville to my young image. As she did, there was a flash of something in my eyes. A moment later, Frank nodded at me and smiled. I backed away with Neville in my arms, then the picture started again with the Longbottoms gazing down at their child.

For a moment, I was speechless. That flash in my eyes could mean only one thing. But how? "That's not possible. I was mated to Sirius when that was taken."

My son shook his head at me. "Choosing potential second mates is possible while the first one is alive, Dad. It's just very rare, and the potentials don't become mates unless the first one dies before the werewolf does. That new curses book Harry bought me has a few paragraphs about it, and about chosen ones who are too young to be mates. The wolf will only acknowledge them at the time of meeting before they are an adult. Once they reach adulthood, the wolf will try to call to them."

Teddy pointed to the book at the end of the bed. I opened it to the place he bookmarked so I could read the words for myself.

After I scanned the passages a few times, I leaned back with a sigh. "Then James knew about Neville. If I remember correctly, he took the picture."

"It looks like Grandpa Frank figured it out too."

Teddy was most likely right. Frank had been well-versed in curses. I remembered being slightly disturbed around him during Order meetings, when he talked about what he had heard Voldemort was doing to bring the werewolves under him. Frank had known more than I had been comfortable with, because of the possibility that he'd discover my secret sooner or later. 

But if he had known about the second mate possibility, he had known more than me at the time. "*I* didn't know that.  I thought I felt that Sirius was near when I took Neville so Frank and Alice could dance. It was strange, because he was on the opposite end of the Potters' yard, dancing with Lily. But I didn't think much of it at the time. And Frank never said anything about it to me during or after the Halloween party."

"So it could only have been Neville who the wolf was acknowledging." Teddy had a satisfied look on his face as he gazed at the picture.

Reluctantly, I agreed. "It makes sense. But why would Moony choose somebody so young?"

"Because he looked straight at the wolf in your eyes and smiled." Teddy pointed at the infant as I took him from Alice.

I did remember Neville being oddly happy in my arms, as I was mostly a stranger to him at the time. And the only student who had trusted me more than him in my first year of teaching was Harry. Harry had trusted me because I knew his parents. I just assumed that Neville had trusted most adults who didn't intimidate him.

But now I wondered at that. Had part of him known that Moony had chosen him, even before he reached adulthood?

It was possible. 

I hugged Teddy in thanks as I watched the picture play a few more times, wondering how to show it to Neville, and hoping that it wouldn't upset him.

Then another memory, of meetings with Frank right after the party, surfaced.

I remembered that Frank talked about Neville's future marriage rather annoyingly in front of me. He told me that he expected his son to be loved, respected and well cared for by his future spouse. I told Teddy how Frank had repeated it almost every time we met after that, until Voldemort tortured him for the last time.

Looking back on it, I wondered if Frank had been requesting that I take good care of his child.

So I asked my son something that I never expected to, until that moment. "Would it bother you if I added Longbottom to my name?"

Teddy crossed his arms and glared at me silently. His expression worried me until he said, "Not if I can too. He helped raise me, after all."

Chuckling to calm my momentarily startled nerves, I ruffled Teddy's hair. "Then we very well may have both a funeral and a wedding to plan. Hopefully, the book and this picture will help give Neville some memories of his father being a father."

Teddy looked at the picture and then at me in confusion. Then his face lit up. "Oh! Grandpa Frank was telling you to marry Nev!"

I nodded. "I'm pretty sure he was."

"We should tell Papa!"

I held up my hands to try to slow down the frantic look in my son's eyes. "We will. But carefully, Blue. We don't want to cause him more pain accidentally."

Teddy took a breath then nodded. Then he quietly asked, "Do you think Grandpa Frank would have liked having me for a grandson?"

"How could he not? You help take care of his special boy."

The smile stayed on Teddy's face the rest of the day, according to his girlfriend. 


	4. Neville

Rem planned the memorial service for my Dad. He told me he needed to do this for me. I was too emotionally exhausted to do it myself. But he also believed that I needed to discover who my father had been, and he and our friends were going to try to show me.

What he did, at the acknowledgement of my father's death, was give me parents. Not idols, like my grandmother had. Real parents.

Dad's memorial service was held on Hogwarts' grounds, out by the Whomping Willow. Rem chose that spot because apparently that was where Dad had first asked Mom to date him.

At the beginning of the service, my mate gave me a book. It was a handmade book of photos and written accounts, little trinkets and voices spelled onto pages. Remus smiled as he handed it to me. Then he told me to follow along in it during the service.

So I did.

At first the book and the others told me about the simple things in the past I didn't know. Sybill discussed how Mom had liked all things blue, but had still fell for my Dad even though his aura was burnt orange. Hagrid told about how Dad had gently chased a bunch of Aragog's children back into the Forest after they had gotten lost. (That amused me, especially after I saw Ron Weasley shudder at the thought of taking care of a bunch of spiders). Minerva talked about Dad's strength in Transfiguration, and how he had used it during a Quidditch game to turn Mom's broom into a cloud after it had somehow gotten out of control (Harry looked jealous at that. It would have been an easier solution than what he endured at some games).

In the book were their accounts, as well as a sliver of wood from Mom's broom and Sybill's aura reading of Dad.

Then they gave accounts of the war and my birth. Molly and Arthur Weasley talked for a solid twenty minutes about the hope my parents had, and why they had fought, as well as why they had me in that dark time. Ron had been almost four months old when I was born, but Molly had made sure to help my parents any way she could because they were sure that Ron, Harry and I would have a much better future because of their efforts. And for a time, we did. And we learned to gather strength from what they had done, so that we could do what they were unable to.

Minerva simply swore that my words to Voldemort would have had my Dad puffed with pride if he had been capable.

Then my school friends spoke about the parents that I knew. Harry told of how every time he went with me to visit Mum and Dad, that they focused on me like I was the most important thing in the world, often when my back was turned. Then his wife spoke. Ginny had sat with my father while her husband had rescued me in Wales. He wouldn't settle and kept muttering about his 'special boy'. He repeated it all that day and into the next, until Ginny was able to show him a photo of me, still looking wounded, but wrapped contently around my furry mate. The staff at St. Mungo's had protested showing him a werewolf, even one that was a war hero. But Arthur had told her to show him anyway.

Dad had died with the picture in his hand. Now it rested in the book, to show me the creases it had from the many times he handled it over the past few months.

Then Rem stood in front of the Willow to speak.

He too had a photo. He used magic to make the copy he held in his hand visible to everyone. Everyone let out a collective "Aww" as they saw me in Mum's arms as Dad leaned over me.

But my eyes widened as I watched a much younger Remus come to them and take me gently. I gasped as his eyes flashed a very familiar amber. I let out such a loud gasp that Hagrid grabbed me like he had a few times in April when my lungs became overstressed, to make sure I didn't pass out.

Remus just focused on me and smiled gently. "Yes, love. It started that long ago. And your father knew."

He then proceeded to explain the discussions he had had with Dad about me and marriage after the time of the photo.

A moment later, he came over to me. Then he said very clearly, so all could hear, "I hope Frank will forgive me for taking more than thirty years to do what he asked of me. But Neville, you took a piece of the wolf inside me against all good sense. To keep me with you. Now I'd like to repay that gift, and the acceptance your father gave me. And I want to declare to the world that you are not alone."

Teddy came over and handed him a small box, which he opened to reveal two gold rings and a smaller pewter ring, all engraved with the images of two wolves, nose to nose. "Marry me. I promise that I and my son will bear the Longbottom name with pride."

Tears sprang to my eyes as I whispered back, "And the Lupins will have one more."

"We will welcome him with open arms." Remus smiled right before he kissed me.

And on that rather somber occasion, a loud cheer echoed over the grounds as we agreed to follow my father's last wish.

====

The wedding was in May, on the anniversary of the day I honored my parents by rebelling against the darkness that had faced me and laughed, and by saving the one I was destined to love.

Remus wore a robe of amber that shone just as his eyes did. I chose one of turquoise, to match my son's favorite hair color. It was trimmed in Gryffindor gold, and shone just as brightly as my mate's as the grey skies around the Whomping Willow took on a silver cast.

Our friends surrounded us in a circle, letting us stand in front of the tree that had seen us through it all.

Teddy and Bill Weasley stood by our sides as we vowed to be by each other's side through thick and thin, through darkness and light.

Then my husband raised his face to the heavens and spoke.

"Frank, Alice, thank you for giving me the man at my side. Thank you for allowing me and my son to love him. I promise that we will do so as long as we both live. Let our families henceforth be intertwined. Because I don't want Neville to believe that he is alone ever again."

A moment later, the clouds parted and the sun bathed us with warmth and light.

So I kissed my *husband* for the very first time.

And I thanked my father for this, the last gift he gave me.


End file.
